These Rough Days .....

Zayden, it's been a month since you left, yet it feels as though no time has passed at all. Every moment feels suspended, as if you were just here yesterday, smiling and filling the room with your presence. The waves of disbelief and overwhelming sadness continue to crash over me without warning, pulling me under again and again, leaving me gasping for air. I’ve tried so hard to hold back the tears today, but it feels like an uphill battle I just can’t win, no matter how strong I try to be. The ache in my heart feels relentless, a constant reminder of the void you left behind.

This morning, I saw a little boy laughing by the counter at the gas station. His wild, sandy brown hair reminded me so much of yours, and in that instant, my fragile composure began to crack and crumble. It felt like time had rewound, taking me back to a moment where you were still here. It opened the floodgates, and I couldn’t stop the rush of emotions. Later, when your GI office called to confirm your Monday appointment, it felt like a cruel, unrelenting reminder of what’s gone and what will never be again. That phone call completely broke me. I was already teetering on the edge, but their words sent me spiraling, and the tears came pouring back, harder than before. A few hours after that, I walked into a meeting, and on the gentleman’s desk sat an orange rabbit—just like your favorite bunny. It felt as though the universe was conspiring to place these reminders of you everywhere I turned, as if to test the fragile threads holding me together. The sight of that bunny hit me like a tidal wave, a punch to the heart I couldn’t prepare for. I wanted to walk out, to escape and run from the pain, but I had to force myself to stay. That 30-minute meeting felt like an eternity, each ticking second dragging on unbearably. By the time I got home, I couldn’t hold back anymore. I curled up with your dragon and caterpillar, clutching them tightly, and let the tears flow uncontrollably. They haven’t stopped, not even for a moment. They just keep coming, wave after wave. Today has been an unbearably hard, exhausting day that I don’t know how I made it through.

I remind myself that, in a place far beyond my reach, you are healthy and happy now, free from pain and everything that ever hurt you. I know my longing to have you back is selfish, but I miss you so deeply, so intensely, that words will never fully capture the depth of it. The void you left behind seems immeasurable, stretching farther and wider than I ever thought possible.